Sunday
I tried to go to church yesterday. When I say try, I mean that I got dressed, looked up the address, and walked toward the bus stop... then I got on a bus headed the other way and grabbed some coffee.
This subject may be too vulnerable (for me) to put out over my blog, but the only people who stop here (that I know of) know of my spiritual history... so here goes.
Ok. I love Jesus. That was a hurdle that was really big for me in high school because while I knew about and wanted to have a faith and journey with God, I was constantly stepping back because of issues like homosexuality and women's roles in the church. I am sure that I have not reconciled those issues still. Nonetheless I have pursued the race and committed to a belief system. I have felt the love and truth of God in my life. College was the spike of my spiritual highs (which I wish I could say I don't have) and after the crumbling of a special campus ministry, I have never regained a community or had any desire to do so. Also, because of specific experiences in this ministry, I have wanted to run from any kind of authority given to or organized by a church... does that make sense? I got sick of the politics? Act III. Here I am. No matter how rough it was to wrestle with controversial issues or faulted human interaction, I know that my life as well as other's benefits from a path on the straight and narrow. While it's just as hard of a life to lead, it's full of growth and truth. I don't want to justify it, I just know it... I guess. My fears are this: walking into a church and being tackled by the welcoming wagon, not being seen at all, feeling too guilty to worship, hearing a sermon on homosexuality or predetermination , feeling bored or angry, getting lost in the church (or school or building that it's in), or having a bad experience and not trying to look for another church.
I rarely have Sundays off of work, and this has been a great excuse to not search for a community.
I feel like I am beyond a "season" and more in a place of complacency.
posted by Sweet T @ 11:09 AM
3 Comments:
I wish that I had some sort of insight for you, but I don't. Just know that you are not alone in your feeling of complacency.
Also, I haven't forgotten about writing an email on brewing, I just haven't done it yet. Hopefully it will be coming soon.
There is a lot I could say... not sure what would be helpful... but I know where you are coming from... but I just don't agree with where you seem to be landing. No, the "institutional church" (a phrase I hate for various reasons) is not perfect, but it's not perfect because it has lots of people in it. And these people don't agree. And some people are really extroverted and will "tackle you" -- and some won't "see you at all." You won't find a group of people who will great you perfectly-- just the way you want. And we need to talk about homosexuality and predestination, bla bla bla... (why do those pastors drone on so long?) and sometimes those conversations make me madder than a hornet... but we still have to do this together.
Bottom line: I have not seen many people flourish beyond a local church. Yea, I know "house churches" are the rage... and we are into our "individual walks with God" but the story of God is/was never a "me and God" story but a "we and God" story. And that is hard, and disappointing, and frustrating... but...
What we feed, grows.
Love to talk with you about this if you ever want to. Be blessed.
why don't you try looking for a different community? it might be in a "church" or it might not be. you could try not just different churches but different types of churches or even different "religions" or different organizations or groups or whatever. or start it yourself. just have your friends over every wednesday for a potluck and see what kind of community brews up. community doesn't have to happen just on sunday mornings, and that's not the way community should happen anyway. i totally understand your desire for community, this is why i love Saraguro (, ecuador).
as far as being complacent, how do you want to be? what is the image of a non-complacent person that you are trying to reach? where did you get this image? are you trying to be someone who you will never be? aka-a perfectly non-complacent person. i ask you these questions because i recently asked them of myself. and discovered that the reason my perfectionism was detrimental is because i wanted to be someone who i will NEVER be. yes, the characteristics i was aspiring to were good things, but i was aspiring to the perfect image of these characteristics, which will never happen and thus i will only ever feel guilty, blame myself, and be disappointed. not only that, but life is always changing. what we want is always changing. if i ever reached what i was looking for, surely by that time i would be looking for something else and wouldn't even realize i had reached a previous goal. life is always changing, we are changing, evolving. but ridding myself of my previous aspirations doesn't mean at all that i become complacent. it means i've accepted myself as who i AM, and that i am okay. and, in turn, accepting this doesn't mean that i stop growing, learning, experiencing, and growing wiser. and once i learn to let go of the perfect image i was aspiring to, because i will never be perfect and will only ever be upset with myself (which isn't healthy), i am free to grow in whatever area i am supposed to be growing.
i like the image of a river. if you stand on the bank of a river and watch the same spot, it's always water flowing by, but it's not the same water. it's flowing, it's constantly different but there's no real "end" to a river, the ocean isn't an end, i mean to say the river never arrives at a point where nature says to it "here you have arrived, you are now perfect." i want to be like a river, i don't care how corny that sounds.
so i just wanted to ask you, because you've been complaining about complacency for a long time (and what conscious person doesn't?)-what exactly are you hoping to be? and not be? will you ever be or not be that? whose image are you trying to live up to? maybe it's okay to be as you are, that doesn't mean that you aren't growing or affecting other peoples' lives.
wow, this was really personal for a blog comment, but i'm leaving it.
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